Staying Gold

I've been trying to write this entry for a while now. But between last minute errands, saying goodbyes and this gnarly rush of emotions I am understandably feeling, it's been rough. See, I don't exactly know how to convey what I'm feeling because I can't really pin point what I'm feeling, so here goes my best attempt at defining the contradictory cocktail of emotions that is sloshing around inside of me.

One minute I'm beaming. Jumping around my room, fantasizing about the sites, people, food, music, colors, animals, beaches, wishing the days away so that I can just be there already. And then, I'm feeling strange. Uncomfortable. Sadness wants to eek it's way into my eyes, and it almost does a million times. Because, the reality of the situation is that I'm not going to be with people I really know and love for a good minute. And while it's true that I will be having the time of my life, exploring a fantastically different culture and continent, I will inevitably feel lonely and foreign and exhausted and home sick. Very home sick.

And you hear things about Cape Town being unsafe. Especially when everyone you encounter looks horrified that you're voluntarily putting yourself in this situation and reminds you constantly to be safe. I have attempted to seem unfazed by this minor detail (there are - on average - 6 murders a day in Cape Town and an unreal amount of rapes and robberies), but I am actually pretty damn scared. And I'm feeling unsure in ways that reach deeper than physical safety. I'm eerily aware of the fact that this trip will undoubtedly change me. You don't go to Africa and stay the same spoiled, domestic, naive American you have been for the previous 20 years of your life. Shit is heavy over there. And my instincts are telling me that this is going to be a huge part of my path. Not to mention, I'm getting signs left and right. First, I started reading a book called To Timbuktu about a couple that travels (and I mean really travels, soaks up the local flavors and truly immerses themselves) all over Asia and Africa in their early twenties and just finds themselves and their passions. It's a true story and it's inspiring and exciting to think that I could be feeling these beautiful, humbling, majestic things that they write about feeling during their trip. I want to be humbled and given a new perspective. Then, I saw this show on Fuel called Surfari where this other awesome couple travels to remote surf spots around the world and they went to Liberia and it just got me so amped. For the beauty, the water, the smiles of the people. For hearing how people on the other side of the world feel about life. I guess, maybe just to see how similar we might be. So, although I like who I am very much, I know that I will be a different version of this person when I come back, but it's the knowing that feels so strange because I don't know how I am going to be different, exactly, I just know I will.

The fact that I am able to go on this trip is such a blessing. My parents are amazing, giving, supportive people who want nothing more than for me to be happy and I owe them everything in the world for their blind faith in me and this endeavor. I can't even imagine being a parent and letting my baby daughter do this all alone and I give them crazy props for trusting me and loving me so insanely. That's another ingredient of this mix of emotions - I'm going to miss everyone so much. I am going to miss everyone so much that I already miss them and I'm not even gone yet. I'm trying to soak up vibes, and burn faces into my brain so that I can bring some things with me. It breaks my heart that I can't just pack up all of my friends and family and bring them all with me, but I know that going at this alone is the only way to do it up the way I want to. I'm clearly planning on making this more than just a study abroad trip, it's going to be a turning point. A catalyst. I know it will spark an inextinguishable fire in me that I have felt coming for a long while. So, at last... I think I'm ready.

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On another note, this has been an amazing summer. I've fallen back in love with all of the kooks I grew up with, and truly started to see that everyone is starting on their own journeys and it's so sick to see everyone so stoked on the lives they're making for themselves. In addition to that, bonds with my family have never been tighter and I know absolutely exquisite people from the two years I've already clocked in college. I feel so blessed to know them all. Here are a few flicks from the summer daze:

My perfect baby niece, Ryder Levelle Gaines that I met for the first time this summer. I fell in love with this little princess right away, and knowing her parents - she is going to be one kick ass little chick. She always looks so curious and just look at that nose!

RARE SIGHTING of all 5 Gaines babies at the family 3rd of July soiree. My bro's and hoe's are the greatest around and it's been awesome to get to know them in adulthood.

Taking Ali (and Jazzy) to the airport at 4 in the morning for their trip to Spain!!! These little globetrotters are living it up in Madrid RIGHT NOW! So happy for them and can't wait to be in a closer time zone.

Babe Convention at Matilla's going away/birthday party. It's something about that house - everyone always has a crazy fun time.. maybe it's the family that lives there, they're pretty cool.

This is why I love my friends: These dudes walk up to me and ask to get some thumb-to-thumb contact to feel my energy. Before you know it, we're all interconnected by thumbs. Dredders, man.

I love you all so damn much and will miss you with the intensity of a thousand suns. I promise to rep California so hard that every Afrikkaners will want to come back home with me. See you all in one glorious year!

Follow your bliss,

KG